100 Most Funny Quotes That Will Make Your Day

Funny quotes can brighten anyone’s day by injecting a dose of humor and positivity into their routine.

Laughter triggered by a clever or witty remark can instantly lift spirits, reduce stress, and create a more light-hearted atmosphere.

It often provides a fresh perspective on daily challenges, making them seem less daunting.

Sharing a humorous quote can also strengthen social bonds, as it encourages laughter and shared enjoyment among friends, family, or colleagues.

Ultimately, the simple act of reading or hearing a funny quote can transform a mundane moment into an opportunity for joy and connection.

BEST FUNNY QUOTES

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“I refuse to answer that question because I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Unknown

“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry)

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

“I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” – Unknown

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” – Ouiser Boudreaux (Steel Magnolias)

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Unknown

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would cut into my sitting around time.” – Maria Bamford

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers!” – Unknown

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“All generalizations are false, including this one.” – Mark Twain

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” – Unknown

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” – Unknown

“Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Unknown

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” – Unknown

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now.” – Unknown

“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” – Unknown

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

“I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.” – Unknown

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (The Office)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.” – Unknown

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” – Bertrand Russell

“It’s only when you’re flying above it that you realize how incredible the Earth really is.” – Philippe Perrin

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman in a room together.” – Unknown

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.” – Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.” – Unknown

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” – Steven Wright

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!” – Unknown

“If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Coop